Appearance

Sasha is only 9 and all of a sudden she’s obsessed about her appearance.  She asked to wear makeup to school every day!  She says only the geeks aren’t wearing makeup.  I know that’s not true.  But what concerns me is that she’s putting so much time and energy into worrying about how she looks and trying to look exactly like everyone else.  She’s a great kid and has so much to feel good about.  How can we counter society’s focus on superficial appearance?  Nicholas

IF you’re interested in this topic, please take a look at our FREE online Beauty Issue. It celebrates inner beauty and will be on our site only one more week.

Things to Consider

Our culture places a very high value on appearance.  We often judge people by how they look and dress.  This focus can be harmful to girls when they get the idea that they need to look a certain way for people to like them or care about them.  It tells girls that how they look is more important than who they are or what they do.  It’s a false and superficial standard for judging character and worthiness.  We parents have a key role to play in opposing the messages about appearance that our daughters get.  We need to teach them about their Inner Beauty and its value.

One of the most insidious ways appearance obsession hurts girls is by the vast amount of time and effort that goes into perfecting and worrying about appearance as she gets older.  This is time and psychic energy that she could use to develop her interests and explore  the world around her.  Focusing all that energy on criticizing her own appearance is counterproductive and doesn’t help her feel more competent or valued.  Because girls are exposed to so many messages about perfecting their appearance, they can come to think it’s actually possible to do.  And then they feel like failures if they don’t match the images of unreal perfection that surround us every day.  When we help her value her unique beauty, we give her a priceless gift.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Tell her that she’s beautiful when she’s full of energy or radiating pride.

• You look beautiful when you’re singing.

Describe all kinds of people as pretty and beautiful.

• You and Krissy are very different and you’re both pretty.

8-13 years old

Limit how much you comment on appearance.  Focus instead on someone’s character and actions.

• I want to be as interesting as Leonore when I’m old.  She’s always learning new things.
• Our new neighbors are so welcoming and warm—I like being around them.

Respond to her concerns and questions about her appearance with reassurance and perspective.  She may focus on her appearance when the real issue is something deeper and harder to talk about.

• Going to a new school I know you want to feel as good as possible on the first day.  Wearing clothes you feel comfortable in is part of that but it’s not the most important part.
• You’re not happy with your hair today.  I think there’s probably something else going on, too.  Any thoughts what the other things are?

14 and up

Talk regularly about society’s focus on appearance and how it can be harmful.

• It’s really hard not to buy into all the messages about how you should look.  I struggle with it, too.
• When I’m feeling tired, I worry more about how I look.

Notice when she expresses her true self in her appearance.

• When you wear that shirt I know you’re feeling good.  It’s you!
• You look so jazzy in purple.  It suits you.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

·      Inner beauty

·      Authentic

·      Accomplishment

·      Talents

·      Independent

·      Original

·      Unique

·      Gorgeous

·      Energetic

·      Creative

·      Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t judge your own or others’ appearance.  Don’t say things like:

• Ugh—I look awful today.
• She looks terrible—doesn’t she care?

Don’t let if pass uncommented if she puts her appearance down.

Don’t buy into society’s narrow definition of attractiveness.

Words, Phrases and Actions To Avoid

·      Perfect

·      Ugly

·      Homely

·      Average.

·      There’s just a few truly beautiful people.

Resources

The Beauty Issue, Free online from NewMoon.com

The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf

The Body Project by Joan Jacobs Brumberg

You Are not Your Buttocks by Kaz Cooke

Turn Beauty Inside Out www.tbio.org

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Tabitha’s 11-year-old daughter seems fearless and willing to try anything. “But my 14 year old seems downright mousey,” Tabitha says, “she never stands up for herself, and won’t even ride a roller-coaster anymore.” Tabitha admits that she’s concerned about both girls, one because she lets “blind bravery” rule all her actions, and the other because she seems to completely lack courage.

Things to Consider

Before adolescence, girls are often quite bold and sassy, both bodily and psychologically. They are physically adventurous and daring, willing to try new things and get their clothes dirty. They speak right up with their opinions, even when that strikes others as foolhardy or rude.

However, by the middle school years, many girls begin to silence themselves and become passive. They are taught (and believe) the myth that loud, physical girls are not nice or attractive. So they “go underground,” adapting their words and actions to what they think other people want, rather than valuing their own needs.

For parents, the trick is to encourage courage in younger daughters without pushing them to be foolhardy, and then help older daughters keep courage handy as they pass into the more complicated world of adolescence. Our friends at the national organization Girls, Incorporated put it best when they say they work to make girls Strong, Smart, and Bold.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Girls need to practice courage and experiment with their limits. When girls are young, most of this is in the physical realm.

• Let’s see how far we can ride our bikes together into this really strong headwind.
• Sure, go ahead and climb that tree. If you need any advice or cheering, I’ll be right here at the bottom for you.
• It took a lot of guts for you to tell me that, even though you knew I wouldn’t like to hear it. I admire your courage.
• Show me the bravest thing you know how to do.

8-13 years old

This is the time when many girls seem to move from outspoken bravehearts to meek mouselings. Girls don’t forget how to be brave, but do feel slapped down for showing courage. We can help them remember.

• You say you don’t know how you feel, but I think you do know. I promise not to criticize how you feel, or tell anyone else – so let’s talk about it.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.
• I really admire how brave you were just now. I like your courage.
• I agree; this rafting trip is scary. That’s part of what will make it fun and thrilling. And I know you are brave enough to do the trip and embrace the thrills.

14 and up

At this age, a girl shows much of her courage by being honest in her peer relationships, especially with other girls. Encourage her to be true to herself and be honest with friends.

• I know you’re struggling with what to say and what to do about this conflict with your friend. I’m here to listen anytime you want to talk it through. And I’ll only give you advice if you ask for it.
• One of the toughest things I’ve ever learned is that I can’t change someone else or how they feel. It takes courage to admit that, and courage to be honest about how you feel and what you want.
• You are beautiful when you stand up for yourself.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

· Give specific positive feedback about her courageous words and actions.

· Support and/or accompany her when she does things that require courage and risk-taking.

· Be open (without bragging) about the things you do that require courage.

· Be an example of living honestly and being true to yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t buy into the myth that girls are the “weaker” sex and that femininity precludes boldness. Don’t ridicule your daughter’s fears or courage. Don’t say:

· You can’t do that; you’re a girl.

· All girls are scared of that.

· You’re just a chicken.

· Keep your mouth shut – girls aren’t allowed to say things like that.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Avoid

· Lying or denying yourself just to keep someone else from getting upset.

· Encouraging your daughter to avoid conflict and bad feelings.

· Believing than girls can’t be courageous and accomplish difficult physical feats.

· Believing that girls can’t handle conflict openly, honestly and with compassion.

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter