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Body Image-Building a Strong Foundation

April 20, 2010 By

While body image may not seem to be an issue until a girl reaches puberty and her body starts changing, it’s crucial to build a strong foundation of positive body image for your daughter before that time.  How she feels about her body is a key part of a girl’s sense of who she is as she gets older. 

1-7 years old
Four year old Grace and her Dad are visiting relatives who don’t see Grace very often and want to compliment her. One calls her “a heart stealer” and warns Dad he’ll have to “watch out for those boys,” while another comments on her “cute figure” and how lucky it is Grace “didn’t get the family thunder thighs.” Grace looks down at the floor, embarrassed, and tries to hide behind Dad.  Dad feels vaguely uncomfortable but doesn’t know quite why or how to respond.

 8-13 years old
Eleven year old Katie is normal height and weight, and so she’s started adding noticeable body fat as her body changes from girl to woman.  When shopping for a bathing suit, it’s obvious that Katie’s miserable, even though Mom thinks she looks cute in every suit and tells her so.  Mom’s mystified since clothes shopping has always been one of their favorite activities. Back home, Dad asks to see the new suit.  Katie says nothing and storms off to her room.  Dad says, “What did I do?”  Mom says, “It was a disaster.”

 14 and up
Keisha tries on a strapless style when shopping for a prom dress.  She’s small-breasted and the bodice is loose. As soon as Mom suggests a different dress, Keisha gets upset, asking “Why am I so flat?  I need a Wonderbra.”  Shocked, Mom says, “You’re barely fifteen. No daughter of mine is going to look like a call girl.”

 Things to Consider
Girls face huge pressures about body image starting at a very young age.  At puberty, even more pressures hit just as her body starts to naturally change and add fat. Bombarded with unrealistic, “perfect” images in movies, TV and advertising, almost every girl has serious trouble feeling good, or even okay, about her body. Many images show girls and women in a hyper-sexualized way, putting emphasis on “sexy” body parts like breasts. No wonder problems with body image are appearing at younger and younger ages.  Plastic surgery among teen girls increased alarmingly in the past five years, a sign that parents are allowing and encouraging it.  Girls with physical disabilities face additional body image struggles and discrimination or ostracizing for how they look. 

 Every girl needs to know her own strengths, the goodness of how her body works, and how it helps her fulfill her dreams.  Feeling good about her body is a great boost to her confidence. Parents and other significant adults in a girl’s life have the greatest influence on her body image. You can help your girl develop and maintain a strong body image no matter what her natural body shape is and you can you help her fight the inevitable struggles every girl has with her body.   Both Moms and Dads have special roles to play: Mom in how she relates to and talks about her own body, Dad in how he talks about women’s and girls’ bodies (not as sex objects).  Both parents must confront and oppose the presentation of girls and women as sex objects, explaining why it’s harmful.

 What to Say and Do

1-7 years old Regularly praise your own body and your daughter’s body for what it does, not how it looks.

·      You are so strong.

·      You can kick the soccer ball very straight.

Reassure her that she is uniquely beautiful.  Sincerely praise things she might see as imperfections.

·      I love that birthmark on your shoulder.

·      Your frizzy hair is so full of energy!

Help her learn to use her body in sports or dance or play, getting joy from its capabilities.

·      You sure love to ride your bike.

·      Can you teach me that new tae kwon do kick?

 8-13 years Notice when she feels good about her body, create more of those experiences and remind her of them.

·      Look at this picture of you dancing when you were little–you look so happy.

·      Your whole body concentrates when you’re playing the drums.

Encourage conversation about irrational body image messages, even making fun of them.

·      It sure would be great if being taller would solve all our problems!

·      It’s ridiculous to see such perfect air-brushed photos in magazines.  They look so fake.

 14 and up Help her identify contradictions and harmful stereotypes about body image.

·      Isn’t it strange that fat people are automatically assumed to be lazy?

·      Do you think large-breasted women are happier than small-breasted ones?

Encourage her to be active in any activity where her body’s usefulness is not determined by how it looks.

Comment regularly about body shape being determined by genetics. If she’s not your biological daughter take that into consideration.

·      Look how much alike you and I were at eight years old.

·      I have a round belly just like my mom and Granny.

Let her express her frustrations about body image by listening more than you comment.

·      Tell me what bugs you about that.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use
·      If anyone makes negative or sexual comments about her body, say: I don’t want you to talk about my daughter like that.

·      Strong

·      It runs in our family

·      I love your…..

What Not to Say and Do

Don’t make negative comments about anyone’s body, especially your own or hers.

·      Look how his arm is jiggling–gross!

·      If only I had a smaller waist.

Don’t ignore it when she feels insecure about her body.

·      Don’t worry about it.

·      You’ll grow out of it.

Don’t avoid talking about body image–she might think there’s something wrong with her.

Just offering clichés, without backing them up by your own actions won’t help her feel good.

·      Looks aren’t really important.

·      All that matters is what’s inside.

Words, Phrases and Actions to Avoid

Don’t make sexually suggestive comments about her body, even if you think they’re compliments.

 

Resources

101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body by Brenda Richardson and Elaine Rehr

Real Gorgeous: The Truth about Body and Beauty by Kaz Cooke

www.tbio.org

www.somethingfishy.org

 

 

 

 

Text from How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Filed Under: Communication

Only 9 and Obsessed with Her Appearance

April 12, 2010 By

Sasha is only 9 and all of a sudden she’s obsessed about her appearance.  She asked to wear makeup to school every day!  She says only the geeks aren’t wearing makeup.  I know that’s not true.  But what concerns me is that she’s putting so much time and energy into worrying about how she looks and trying to look exactly like everyone else.  She’s a great kid and has so much to feel good about.  How can we counter society’s focus on superficial appearance? 

Nicholas

 

Things to Consider

Our culture places a very high value on appearance.  We often judge people by how they look and dress.  This focus can be harmful to girls when they get the idea that they need to look a certain way for people to like them or care about them.  It tells girls that how they look is more important than who they are or what they do.  It’s a false and superficial standard for judging character and worthiness.  We parents have a key role to play in opposing the messages about appearance that our daughters get.  We need to teach them about their Inner Beauty and its value.

One of the most insidious ways appearance obsession hurts girls is by the vast amount of time and effort that goes into perfecting and worrying about appearance as she gets older.  This is time and psychic energy that she could use to develop her interests and explore the world around her.  Focusing all that energy on criticizing her own appearance is counterproductive and doesn’t help her feel more competent or valued.  Because girls are exposed to so many messages about perfecting their appearance, they can come to think it’s actually possible to do.  And then they feel like failures if they don’t match the images of unreal perfection that surround us every day.  When we help her value her unique beauty, we give her a priceless gift.

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Tell her that she’s beautiful when she’s full of energy or radiating pride.

  • You look beautiful when you’re singing.

Describe all kinds of people as pretty and beautiful.

  • You and Krissy are very different and you’re both pretty.

8-13 years old

Limit how much you comment on appearance.  Focus instead on someone’s character and actions.

  • I want to be as interesting as Leonore when I’m old.  She’s always learning new things.
  • Our new neighbors are so welcoming and warm—I like being around them.

Respond to her concerns and questions about her appearance with reassurance and perspective.  She may focus on her appearance when the real issue is something deeper and harder to talk about.

  • Going to a new school I know you want to feel as good as possible on the first day.  Wearing clothes you feel comfortable in is part of that but it’s not the most important part.
  • You’re not happy with your hair today.  I think there’s probably something  else going on, too.  Any thoughts what the other things are?

Words, Phrases and Actions to Use

·      Inner beauty

·      Authentic

·      Accomplishment

·      Talents

·      Independent

·      Original

·      Unique

·      Gorgeous

·      Energetic

·      Creative

·      Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

Text from How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

 

Filed Under: Communication

Keep Learning!

April 8, 2010 By

Erika has a talent for science and math.  She loves them, too.  I know that girls often lose interest in these subjects in middle school—

that happened to me.  What can I do to keep it from happening to her?   Maggie 

Things to Consider

Science and math are important for everyone in our highly technological society.  Girls who take challenging science and math classes in high school and college have many more well-paying career choices open to them than those who don’t.  Much of the job growth predicted in the future is in scientific and technological fields.  Considering all this, it’s definitely worth nurturing her interest in science and math.  It’

 

s also worth nurturing for the sheer joy she can experience in learning these ways of thinking and exploring the world.

Parents can make a big difference in girls’

continued interest as they get older.  Parents are the most effective advocates for science and math classes that incorporate female learning styles and preferences.  Parents can introduce girls to women who love science and math.  We can give her science kits and books on physics and help her conduct her own experiments at home as part of her daily routine.  To do this, we might need to let go of our own feelings of inferiority and intimidation about science and math.  It can be liberating for us and for her!

What to Say and Do

1-7 years old

Kids are natural scientists—

 

using observation and experimentation in everyday life.  Recognize this as science and talk about her experiments.

  • You’re a scientist experimenting with what floats in the tub.

     

  • You noticed that the cardinals like to go to one feeder more than the other.  Why do you think that is?

Give her toys that use science and math at all ages.

8-13 years old

When she asks a question that could be answered by doing an experiment, help her do that instead of just telling her the answer. Emphasize the fun of solving the mystery.

  • I’m not sure what would happen if we move this plant away from the window.  What do you think? Let’s leave one at the window and move one away and see if they react differently.

     

  • It’s a mystery to me why one recipe has yeast and one doesn’t but they both rise.  Let’s read about the chemistry of it.

     

Play math-based games like cards and dominoes.  Use math concepts like percentages, ratios, geometric progressions, when discussing non-math things that she has a strong interest in.

Learn science and math with her if you’re rusty at them or didn’t take what she’s taking.  She’

 

ll love to explain things to you and be your teacher.

Notice what specific aspects of science and math interest her and provide more opportunities in those.

  • There’s a junior naturalist program in the park this summer.

     

  • You and your friends are being psychologists when you notice how people act and come up with theories about why.

If her interest in math and science classes seems to be dropping, talk with her teachers and the school right away.  Be assertive about the need for keeping her interested.  Consider tutoring if you and the teacher think that would help.

Excerpt from 

How To Say It (R) To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

by Nancy Gruver

Filed Under: Communication, Education & School

Bullying – What’s A Parent To Do?

April 3, 2010 By

This guest post is from Kimber Bishop-Yanke,  founder of Girls and Boys Empowered. Recent headlines about teen and tween suicides due to bullying have parents focused on how we can help our children if they or friends are bullied. Kimber’s twelve years of experience in the field made her the perfect person to ask for practical steps every parent can use. (In addition to this blog post, there’s a very helpful discussion among parents on the New Moon Girls Facebook page.)

DON’T WAIT TO BULLYPROOF!

In the news lately you’ve heard about the tragedies of a 15 year old girl who hung herself because she was bullied and a 3rd grade boy who jumped out a window to end his life so he could stop being bullied. At Girls and Boys Empowered, our specialty and most requested program is helping kids (and parents) prevent and deal with everyday meanness, bullying and relational aggression.

The most successful self-defenses against bullying that we see are:

1. Develop Physical Self-Confidence: Bullies look for kids who they think won’t stand up for themselves. That perception is often based on a child’s body language and how they respond when someone is mean.

2. Strengthen Self-Esteem: A child who feels emotionally vulnerable is more likely to become a target. There are many experiences that help kids build self-esteem including: tangible achievements, positive self-talk and attitude, reaching a goal, solving a problem, having fun, being part of a healthy group, and volunteering.

3. Teach Assertiveness: Being assertive means that a child can communicate her feelings and needs in a direct, powerful way without being mean or whiny. She can negotiate, handle conflict, and usually get her needs met peacefully.

4. Encourage Many Friendships: Having a lot of friends, as opposed to just one BFF, is a great way to bullyproof. The more kids that your child has a relationship with the better–and the more allies they are likely to have.

5. Don’t Ignore Bullying: If a child just ignores someone who is picking on them, the silence signals the bully that it’s ok to keep on. Ignoring a bully is the most popular and worst advice that is given to children. In our programs, we teach kids assertive (not mean) come backs to use when someone is mean. We recommend that kids try three times to get meanness to stop and if it doesn’t work then to ask adults for help.

6. Give Simple Strategies: Knowing what to do, what to say and when to get help are important. Girls need to distinguish what’s happening – is it a problem to solve, a conflict to resolve, mean-spirited behavior to stand up to, or a bullying situation to report immediately to adults?

7. Be Consistent: It’s critical that teachers, parents, and kids are trained to use the same language to identify and manage meanness and bullying.  Adults in the school or group need skills and a clearly-defined policy and process to handle these issues.

Don’t wait for your child to have a problem. It is better to arm them with the knowledge and skills ahead of time.
If your child is being bullied or knows a child that is being picked on you can find help at Girls Empowered and Boys Empowered or join Kimber’s discussion on Facebook at Stop the Meanness, Spread the Kindness

Kimber Bishop-Yanke is the founder of Girls and Boys Empowered, which has provided over 50,000 kids, parents, and teachers with programs since 1998 including professional development, assemblies, community programs, retreats, summer day camps and one-on-one coaching in dealing with bullying, relational aggression, social skills, self-esteem, and fitness.

Filed Under: Friends & Friendship, Health & Safety
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