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More on Violence

April 30, 2009 By

My last post was on the role of violence in girls’ lives. There are some very practical steps we can take to help her deal with her own violent feelings and the violent actions (or potential actions) of others.

Underlying every strategy is emphasizing and showing her ways to resolve her frustration and arguments without violence. Role play situations with her so she develops confidence in how she could respond if someone threatens violence. “What could you do if someone told you that you had to fight her to defend yourself?”
Take a self-defense or martial arts class with her.  You’ll both feel more confidence in your strength and physical security and will rehearse scenarios that build your defense skills. In addition, you’ll both probably develop a strengthened self-image and confidence.
Don’t’ be afraid to matter-of-factly discuss how to logically assess situations and steer clear of possibly unsafe ones. 

When she starts dating, teach her about the warning signs of controlling behavior by a boyfriend or girlfriend that can precede violence. “It’s disrespectful for Jake to make you feel guilty about spending time with your friends.” If you observe or hear about any violent behavior, take action immediately to end the relationship and get help for the perpetrator.
Emotional violence like shaming, manipulating and belittling can also be a problem in dating relationships and be a warning of potential physical violence.
Don’t make her fearful, or distrusting of all boys, as a way to protect her from violence.  Don’t say things like “You can’t go anywhere after dark, no matter what. You never know what they might do.”
Don’t ever suggest violence as a solution or as something to be tolerated and ignored.  Don’t say “He just pushed you; don’t make a big deal out of it.”
just forget it.

Resources
Saving Beauty from The Beast: How to Protect Your Daughter From an Unhealthy Relationship by Vicki Crompton (Little Brown, 2003)

Learn more in my book How To Say It To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Filed Under: Friends & Friendship, Health & Safety Tagged With: , ,

Her Fears of Violence

April 27, 2009 By

Violence can be terrifying to girls and to parents. There’s a lot of it in the media we see. There’s also violence in our daughters’ everyday real lives.

I was shocked when Shiraz came home from school today and told me that two girls in her class were suspended for fighting.  I know that girls hurt each other emotionally but since when did they start actually hitting each other?  We’ve always told her to work out conflicts with words but now I’m worried that she’ll be vulnerable if girls are being physically violent.  What can I say to her?  Jonelle

 Our strongest desire is to keep our children safe, no matter what.  Our worst nightmare is that our daughter might be physically harmed and we work hard to protect her from that possibility. At the same time, we don’t want her to be physically violent and hurt anyone else.  The combination of our fears and feelings makes this a difficult issue on which to find balance.

Starting at a young age, we teach our daughters not to hit or kick when they’re angry, even when someone else hits them.  At the same time, we teach them skills to protect them from potentially violent adults.  As they get older, we want to be sure that they won’t accept violence from a boyfriend and will realize it’s a sign of a bad relationship.  Learning self-defense can be great for her sense of self, as well as having practical benefits.  The best course is to talk openly and explore both her feelings and your concerns as you help her learn to live in our imperfect world.

From an early age, teach her ways to express anger strongly without physical violence. “You’re really angry and you can scream really, really loud until it’s all out.” Teach her that no one should ever hit, kick, physically threaten or bite her and that she can peacefully confront violence with your support.

Learn more in my book How To Say It To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Filed Under: Communication, Friends & Friendship, Health & Safety Tagged With: , ,

How Media Affects Your Girl

April 25, 2009 By

Hi Everyone! In case you missed my weekly Daughters.com eNews, here it is! Haven’t signed up for the free eNews yet? Then Sign Up Here. Here’s all the news:

New This Week at Daughters.com

Do you ever leave a movie shocked at what you just saw—specifically how the women and girls were portrayed? Helen Cordes talks about the benefits of putting girls behind the camera in Making Her Own Movies. Does your girl love a certain celebrity? Have you ever thought what kind of influence that media mogul has on her? Read Is She Starstruck by Christie McKaskle, and learns some great tips and ideas on how to make sure your girl sees the person behind the mask. Eve Barker talks about how important it is to set up a ‘ritual’ with your girl in The Monday Afternoon Ice Cream Ritual.

Help Amira Raise Money for Girls in Afghanistan and Pakistan

Amira is a New Moon Girl from Montana who you met in the March-April magazine. She says, “Millions of girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan can’t go to school because they have to work in fields or sweatshops. This makes me sad and angry. I think every girl has the right to an education.” She raises money to make school affordable for girls with a non-profit called the Central Asia Institute (CAI).

You can help Amira raise money when you give the gift of New Moon Girls to friends and family. To help, click here and place your orders. For every order, New Moon donates $10 to CAI. That donation will provide all the school supplies for a girl for half the year in Pakistan and Afghanistan. There are more than 10,000 girls in CAI schools now—imagine that growing and growing with your orders! Also email this to friends and ask them to order with the special link, too. Let’s help Amira and the girls in Afghanistan and Pakistan!

Poll Results

Last week, we published a poll on how much time you spend with your daughter—just one-on-one. Sixty-one percent of you said you spend one-on-one time with your girl once a week! Sixteen percent said you spend one-on-one time together less than once a month. Eleven percent of you said you spend less than once a week, but more than once a month with your girl; and the other 11 percent said even less frequently.

Check out our new poll on discussing reading material with your daughter all this week at Daughters.com

Media Literacy Week at New Moon Girls

It’s all about the Media this week at New Moon Girls! Your daughter can learn about the many ways advertising affects girls, why people buy into brand names, how much magazines really advertise and how two girls overcame problems with their body image all this week at at NewMoon.com.

Do you have a question about parenting, or your daughter? Ask it at the Ask An Expert Page.

Filed Under: Daughters.com Enews

More Career Thoughts

April 23, 2009 By

What kind of things can we do to encourage our daughters to have broad horizons for their work and careers?

Staring when she’s young, encourage imaginative play to include all kinds of future careers, especially those where women are underrepresented. As she gets older, bring her to work with you and ask others to let her visit their workplaces too.  Direct experience is important to help girls imagine themselves in a career.
* Aunt Julie is going to take you to work in the lab with her for a day during spring vacation.
* Jon said you can ride in the bulldozer with him when he’s working on our driveway.

Help her find volunteer opportunities that let her experience various kinds of work.
* We can ask the vet if you can come in and help out on Saturday mornings.
* My club needs a new webpage—can you help me learn how to create it?

In the teen years, talk about and show her how you balance work and family.  Share household responsibilities fairly between all the adults.  “Your step-dad enjoys baking more than I do so he does most of it.” Emphasize and applaud her pride and responsibility in work. “The manager knows she can count on you to do your best.”

Even uninteresting jobs at this age can be valuable because they may motivate her to seek the skills and knowledge she’ll need for more challenging work.  “I know that job is boring for you. You want to earn the money so you’re making the best of it for the summer.”

Don’t give her the message that a career is out of reach because she’s a girl. Don’t say:
* Leave that technical stuff to the guys.
* The odds aren’t good for women in that field—I just don’t want you to be disappointed.
* I wanted to be a truck driver but women aren’t strong enough for that.
* That’s just a fantasy.
* We’ll never be able to afford for you to go to medical school.
* What a job pays is more important than  how you feel about it.
* It’s OK to keep grumbling about your job without taking constructive action to change it.

Visit Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day: www.todstw.org

Learn more in my book How To Say It To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Filed Under: Education & School, Family Life Tagged With: , , ,

Her Career Horizons

April 20, 2009 By

How can I help my daughter have an open mind about all the different things she might do for work when she’s grown up?  I don’t want her to limit herself by stereotypes of “women’s work”.  Cheryl

Any kind of work or career is open to women today.  This is great news for our daughters who will benefit from the gains of the women’s movement. But there are still many well-paying fields where women are underrepresented–including science, technology, building trades and business upper management. On average women earn significantly less than men during their lifetimes and have lower retirement savings as a result, even though they live longer than men.

When she’s old enough to work for pay, help her find opportunities that expand her horizons like doing lawn work or pet sitting in addition to babysitting. If she wants a part-time job once she’s a teenager, be sure to limit the work hours so they don’t interfere with school.  As adults, our daughters will face the challenge of balancing paid work and family, if they decide to have children or are involved in caring for us when we get older.

Ironically, all the choices can feel overwhelming to a girl.  She will benefit from your help in exploring work that uses her talents and pays well enough to support her financially.

Learn more in my book How To Say It To Girls: Communicating with Your Growing Daughter

Filed Under: Education & School, Health & Safety Tagged With: , ,
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